Funny Things Kids Say - Stories And Quotes

I thought it would be fun to write a piece on the funny things kids say. Art Linkletter knew what he was talking about when he said kids say the darndest things. My two sons were no exception to the rule. They have given me enough material to fill a book or two.

The stories that follow are true and the names have not been changed to hide anyone’s identity. It makes embarrassing my kids that much easier. Take a moment to relax and have a chuckle or two as you read “Kids Say The Funniest Things”. Don’t worry, you can get back to your reality show or just reality in a few moments.

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and not much was happening around the house. My wife was at work and I had spent most of the day entertaining my two young sons. They were still at the cute and mischievous ages of four and three.

Josiah, the oldest, and Andrew were sitting in the floor watching a Disney movie. I had started watching it with them but decided my time would be better suited making puddles of drool on the couch.

What seemed like only a few moments - but if truth be known, it was more like 45 minutes - I was awakened to the scariest sound to ever wake a parent. Giggles and laughter. As a general rule giggles and laughter is an enjoyable experience. It is one of the great pleasures of being a parent. However, the overwhelming amount of joy and ecstasy that was filling the house could only be the result of children who were being extremely bad.

As I hesitantly followed the horrific sounds of glee, I found my two young children having the time of their lives. To add to my horror, this joyful moment was taking place in my bedroom.

As I surveyed the scene I could feel the heat rising to my face and the pounding of my heart reaching “that” vein. You know the vein I’m talking about, the one that registers “calm to explode” in 5 seconds.

The carpet in my bedroom, once a dark brown, was now a lovely shade of hazy. As a matter of fact everything was a little hazy. The bedspread. The dresser. The windows, floor and ceiling. All of this haze was caused by two cute little monsters and a big bottle of baby powder. On a scale from one to ten it was about a holy crap I’m fixin’ to bust some butts.

Josiah, being a sharp kid saw something on my face that caused him to think he needed to act quickly to salvage the situation. I guess it was the poltergeist expression on my face, go figure.

Without a moments hesitation or a stuttering tongue, he looked at me with such innocence and confidence saying, “Don’t worry Daddy, I’ve already spanked us for this.”

As the laughter took over, the anger quickly dissipated. Good thing for them.

What Kids Say About Love

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

Andrew is your typical little brother. At an early age he made it his life’s goal to be a thorn in Josiah’s side. Josiah of course was an easy target. He was the more serious of the two and showed early signs of OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a trait he received from his mother’s side of the family tree.

My wife Shari, who several have met through Here To Stay, A Rhyme For Shari and I Am Still In Love With You, had taken Josiah to pre-K and went to work while Andrew and I stayed home and did what those of us who do not have OCD do. Watched TV, ate, took a nap, ate and watched TV. When Shari returned home from work she cleared the table of the breakfast dishes. Josiah had not eaten all of his cereal and instead of raking the soggy mess into the trash she decided to flush it down the toilet. Thinking nothing more of it , she continued to clean up after all the eating that had gone on that day.

Josiah went into the bathroom to take care of his little boy business and that was all she wrote. Not all the cereal had made its way down the pipe and there was evidence of the disposed cereal still afloat.

Hence the drama begins. Josiah begins to wail, “My cereal, my cereal! It’s in the potty.”

Shari had tried desperately to console his anguish, “ Josiah, sweetie, the cereal was nasty. Momma had to throw it away. It was no good.”

Still unable to console her anguished child she simply flushed the remains of that mornings breakfast. As the cereal was being sucked into the septic system, Andrew saw this as an opportune moment to pour salt into the emotional wounds of his brother. Running into the bathroom he peers into the septic abyss and with a deep voice growls, “ Cereal went bye-bye!”

* "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7

* "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8

* "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7

* "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8

* "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8

* "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8

* "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age