Classic One Liners

It is no secret, I love to laugh. Yet, there is something I enjoy even more than laughing and that is making someone else laugh. I have a pretty quick wit. Yet, there have been occasions where I have let my mouth overload my butt, due to my stinging one liners.

In most instances, however, I will have the final word. This is true when involved in an intense moment of fellowship with my wife. Of course, those last words are usually Yes, dear, you’re right or I’m sorry.

As true with most parents, they asked incredibly interesting questions. It is to those questions that I attribute a great deal of my quick wit and one liner capabilities. Here are a few of those questions asked of me during my childhood.

“Do I look stupid to you?” - Never was quite sure if I should answer that one or not.

“Do you want me to whip you?” - Gee, let me think. Duh!?!

To their credit, they didn’t always ask stupid questions. Sometimes they would simply make idiotic statements.

“This is the last time I am going to tell you….’ - My thoughts on that one,,,,excellent! Maybe you’ll quit yelling at me and leave me the heck alone.

And of course, one of my favorites was the one my dad would tell me before he would spank me. Now, before you go freakin’ out, this was before it was not politically correct to spank your children. But, hey, look at me. I turned out alright.

“Now, son, this is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you.”-To which I would have liked to respond one of two ways.

Response #1-In that case, why don’t you give me the belt and let me beat the stuffing out of you.

Response #2-You know Dad, the only way this could possibly hurt you more than it does me is if your arm falls off and you bleed to death before we can get you to the hospital.

Of course, to respond to one of those questions or statements in such a manner would certainly have shortened my life span. But it was in those moments that I developed an appreciation for the one liner.

This brings us to another one of my favorites. Rodney Dangerfield. I am probably one of his biggest fans. Rodney was the king of the one liners and I thought I would share a few of his all time classics. So enjoy, but remember he is a professional working on a closed course stage. Do not try this at home.

•  I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
• I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
• Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
• I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."
• I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
• When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
  

• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres
• "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait
• "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." -- Kevin Meaney
• "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." -- Jack Mayberry
• "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza
• "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." -- Conan O'Brien
• "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner
• "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" -- Rita Rudner
• "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew Carey

• According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -- Jay Leno

• 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
• Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
• Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
  

 Thank you for reading Classic One Liners. If you enjoyed this hub please rate it up and share it with a friend. I would love to read some of your favorite one liners. Please take time to to share them in a comment. Thank you and have a great day.